Be Your Own Life Coach Series: Listen More, Talk Less

At a fancy restaurant a well-dressed young women talked and talked and talked to her date. A couple, a few feet away, observed the whole interaction. The wife in particular, was especially annoyed by the girl’s actions. She gently reached over and lightly touched her husband’s arm. Having gotten his attention, she asked him if she ever talks excessively without letting anyone speak. “Sometimes,” he said nervously; “when you are stressed.” The woman thought to herself, could this be true? Am I guilty of overwhelming others in the same manner? She pondered this deeply, and reflected back to all of the times where she would hear one thing, and then proceed to hijack the entire conversation. Sadly, she imagined how her actions of not listening were impacting her relationship with her husband and college-aged son. At that moment, she decided that she would listen more and talk less.

Most of us at some point in our lives are also guilty of taking over the conversation, but have you ever thought of the cost? Not listening robs you of true intimacy and undermines any foundations of trust you are trying to build. Instead of hearing what the person is saying, you are mounted ready to respond with your agenda, ideas, or thoughts. If this is you, and you are interested in practicing something different, what can you do? I am glad you asked. The first thing is that you must commit to being purposeful in listening more and talking less. Give yourself permission to be fully present in the conversation. Focus all of your attention on the other person’s needs. Resist the automatic response of trying to fix. Practice mindfulness by listening without attachment or thinking about you. After the person is finished speaking, ask him or her is there anything else, and listen again if there is something more to say. When the person is finished speaking, let them know that you are here to help them in the way they choose to be supported.

When you listen in this manner, you make the person feel valued. The next time that you have the temptation to talk a lot, remember this mantra; listen more and talk less.