Childish Expectations

Q: I feel like a maid in my own home. My children (ages 4, 7 and 8) leave the lights on, clothes and towels on the floor, drawers open, and general stuff scattered all over the house. All I do is nag, nag, nag all day long for them to pick up, brush their teeth, etc. I’m exhausted. Is it too much for them to remember these basic things at their age? If not, how can I get them to pick up after themselves?

A: I remember when my kids, at similar ages, went through the same thing. For some reason, kids act oblivious to the clutter they strew around the house, lights on in empty rooms, etc. To be fair, they probably really don’t notice those things. But that’s not to say they can’t be taught to notice—and to stop doing them.

They are not too young to pick up after themselves and turn off lights when leaving a room. Before I tell you how I solved the problem—and how you can, too—keep in mind that it will only work 90 percent of the time. In other words, most of the time, your kids will turn off lights, pick up clothes, keep track of their stuff. Some of the time, they will forget, and you’ll need to give them a gentle nudge to remember and correct their behavior.

Now, on to the nitty-gritty: the Godfather Principle. Yep, you have to bring out the big guns, so to speak, because this is already driving you crazy and you really don’t want to be nagging your kids from now until they turn 18 and leave home for college. So you make them an offer they can’t refuse, a la the Godfather Principle. The offer is up to you and can be different for each child, but the key is that it has to be something they treasure, they care about, or it won’t work.

The offer isn’t a bribe or reward. Oh, no. It’s the complete opposite. It’s a consequence so stupendous, so outrageous that the child has no choice but to comply with your directive—i.e., to pick up after themselves and to turn off lights when leaving the room. First, be specific as to what you expect, but not more than two or three items (the rest you will ignore for now). For example, your list could include:

1. Turn off the lights when leaving your bedroom when no one is in the room.
2. Keeping your clothes, school work, shoes, etc., in its designated spot (your room, homework staging area/hooks)

Second, stop reminding, nagging, bellowing, yelling, etc. If they forget to pick up their school work, simply put it away without a word. If the light is left on, turn it off.

Then you turn to them with a sweet expression on your face and say, “Oh, dear. I wish you could play on the computer tonight, but I’m sorry you’ll have to spend that time in your room. And sweetie? Lights out an hour early.”

The child, with a bewildered look on his face, says, “But Mom, this morning you said I could visit that site with the dolphin game after dinner!”

Your turn: “You’re right, I did say that. But that was before you forgot to turn off the light in your bedroom. Now run along to your room.”

He will wail, thrash and moan, but if you stick to the program with all three kids, you will be surprised at how less you’ll nag. I followed this with my children when they were constantly leaving the lights on in their empty bedrooms, and it was amazing how much better they remembered to flick the light switch to off.

If you want to learn more about how to become a more confident parent this year, I have two upcoming seminars: one in-person option if you’re in Northern Virginia and webinars for those farther away. Plus, you can now connect with me via video on Popexpert.com. Visit www.parentcoachnova.com and click on the Classes/Speaking tab for details.