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Health & Fitness

Childhood Anxiety

Parenting: How to help a nervous child overcome her anxiety.

By Sarah Hamaker

Q: Our 9-year-old daughter has been rather nervous her whole life, always  asking lots of questions, especially when she’s anxious. Her fingernails have been bitten down to the quick. She has struggled some in school, and is extremely shy. Teachers think she might have test anxiety (and she does not do well on tests). At home, she has trouble playing by herself. Our home life is very normal, with no extra stress that I can find. What can we do to help her cope?

A: Some kids are more nervous or anxious than others, but there are ways you can help her help herself. It might sound counterintuitive, but stop paying so much attention to her anxiety. When you pay a lot of attention to her anxiousness, it can actually work to increase the nervousness in the child, as it gives legitimacy and extra attention to her anxious feelings, which can create a desire for more attention, so the behavior continues.

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At this point, she cannot stop the cycle by herself. Start by not pay attention to her anxiousness. If she bites her nails, ignore it completely. If she says she’s feeling anxious, respond with something noncommittal, like, “I’m sorry to hear that,” then change the subject. By not feeding her anxiety, by not delving down into her innermost thoughts to get to the bottom of why she’s anxious, she’s more likely to start handling it better herself. Talk to her teachers about ignoring the anxious talk for a period of two months. Say you’re trying some new things at home to help her handle this better, and would appreciate their assistance in the classroom.

Some things she can do herself include redirecting her attention to other things. If she’s getting anxious about her homework, tell her to take a 15 minute walk around the block. Kids who are busy with their own hobbies also have less time to fret, so take her to a hobby store and see if something catches her eye. Maybe she’d like to build model cars or start a rock collection. Perhaps learning to knit would be fun, too.

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Finally, make sure she is doing enough chores. Feeling a part of the family can also help stem anxious thoughts, and chores are a good way for her to see her place in the family.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.

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